We are back – now what?

Well, we are officially back in the US, as y’all know. We are getting settled in and taking steps forward!

I started work for the same volleyball based company I worked for last summer. I love it. It’s a tight nit group of young volleyers who have a heart for people and a hope to see the game grow – I fit right in! The real question is what to do after all of the summer camps end. Which was just a few days ago. So yeah! I keep telling people; I’m a stay at home house wife with literally no living thing to stay home and take care of. But in time, I’m sure I’ll figure out exactly what direction I want to go. I have a few options but nothing really jumps out at me. I keep praying God will make it abundantly clear what direction I am supposed to go.

Nasko started work on Monday this week. He’s coaching for a local Christian soccer club and has taken over the social media of that same club. It’s a fun gig and allows time for a day job. The hunt is still on for a day job with the necessary flexibility! He hasn’t worked since mid-April but the time off has been great. It allowed for travel of course but also it was a lifesaver during the move. I don’t think we would have made it if we were both working full-time during the transition.

Besides all that boring stuff, I have to communicate. Since moving back, the #1 question I get is – you guessed it – “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A KID?!” I suppose I deserve all of the questions. I talk about all the kids I want quite often. While, I would love to have a whole mess of kids as soon as possible – we are realizing we aren’t quite ready yet.

Like many young couples, the conversation has started, “alright babe, what else do we want to do before we start having kids?” There are a few things we would like to have in place first – buying a house, nicer cars, better jobs, update the furniture, travel more, update our electronics, get into a normal person workout routine… the list goes on and on. Are you being crazy?

Let me just cut the bull crap, being a mother scares the crap out of me. Like what!? Me? In charge of a human? A human so small it can’t even control it’s own neck?! The more I think about it the longer my list becomes about the things I want to do before I have one of my own.

I’ve always been able to joke about the idea because it was clear – I couldn’t get pregnant because I was a professional athlete. I couldn’t get pregnant because we were too young. I couldn’t get pregnant because I wasn’t married. I literally couldn’t get pregnant because I wasn’t having sex!

But now, I’m married. I’m no longer a professional athlete. I’m not too young. I am having sex. HOLY CRAP! WHERE DID THE TIME GO?!

Come on ladies, help me out! Am I the only one? I should be okay with this! Why do I feel scared? I should be ready! Why do I feel inadequate? I should be willing to give up my hopes and dreams and future! Why is my flesh screaming at the idea of giving up everything I WANT?

I can’t be the only one.

Please, don’t misunderstand me. I want children. I will have them eventually. I’m simply shocked with the rollercoaster of emotions coursing through my body in relation to this subject now that it is a real possibility. I believe this is one of the reasons I was created. But wow, it is such a scary big step!

Not only is it a huge responsibility – a child, a living, breathing, human soul of whom I am in charge of protecting, educating and nurturing. It is also a choice to sacrifice time, money, vacations, date nights, privacy – knowingly and willingly giving up so many fun things! I know, what a selfish thing to admit.

The last month and a half, it has smacked me square in my stubborn head. This battle is far from over! Lord help me as I battle myself.

All of you mothers out there, I have an amazing amount of respect for you. How did you start? How did you know you were ready? How did you counteract the scary aspect?

Love always.

2 thoughts on “We are back – now what?

  1. You don’t now to swim but if you go in the pool you learn it quickly. If you think how deep, cold, dirty and so on the water is – I doubt you’ll ever dare to go in.
    A loving and responsible person as you are will master swimming in parenting pool of joy, wary, happiness, hectic schedules …
    The nicest house, car, electronics is nothing compared to the smell, touch, smile of YOUR BABY.

    Good Luck and wish you all the best!
    Emiliya

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! I’ve never doubted that giving up all the material things won’t be worth it; it’s just hard taking the first step. May God bless you for the encouragement!

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